There were times in my Twin Flame journey when I never thought I’d be making a post like this. Periods in my relationship where I was certain that it was destined for failure, yet also determined to fight to my last breath. Moments where I slammed the door so hard on that man that I was sure the house would collapse around us.
The storm before the calm, if you will.
Twin flame relationships are DIFFERENT
Twin Flames are often described as mirror souls. Usually, we are aware of a deep spiritual emptiness that calls to us, driving us to a certain type of madness before we find our Divine Partner. I remember when I was with my ex-husband Ben, telling him that I needed to find the person who loved me better. His response, of course, was that nobody would ever love me more than he did. My reply was that people who love someone don’t hit them. That somebody out there loved me better, more wholly. And I just needed to find them.
He stomped his feet and told me that wasn’t fair. I was at a loss with how to describe my inner compass, pointing me toward Justin. I just KNEW that he was out there. A deep emptiness echoed through my soul throughout my marriage to Ben that was made only worse by his inability to show me love.
And then, you find your partner. And one of you runs. It’s the most common story in the Twin Flame journey. The runner and the chaser. Usually, it is the man who runs and the woman who chases. For Justin and I, it was different. We dated for two weeks and he started pressuring me to move in. I felt like I barely knew this man! I broke up with him, and as a good chaser, he immediately started reaching out to my friends trying to get me to contact him and change my mind. I blocked him and blocked his number.
It took a year for me to reach out again, and when I did, he jumped at the opportunity. We dated for a few months that time, and then I broke up with him and ran again. Only, this time it was different. We stayed friends. I texted him late at night. He became my ally, my confidant. When I wanted to go on a camping trip on July 27th 2019, but didn’t want to go alone, I invited him to come with and the rest, as they say, is history.
It is said that Twin Flames are forced to overcome ego, so that together they can find something so much more worthwhile than they could ever have had separately. Unfortunately, this growth process is not only painful, but can be downright devastating. As a Libra (cardinal air sign) and Capricorn (cardinal earth sign), our pairing has always been incredibly intense, as we push each other to new and greater heights. Justin and I both see our way as the best and only path to be followed, and learning to compromise and see the other’s perspective took no small amount of time.
Our karmic balancing could never have been completed without him truly seeing the best and the worst of me. And as a person who shares a brain with a severe mental illness, there was only so much that I could do to prepare him for my very worst: that monster who calls herself psychosis.
I can’t quite describe what my own experience is inside of psychosis. It’s intense. Very intense. Every joy is the happiest I’ve ever been. Every sadness is the saddest I’ve ever been. Eventually, I become quite suicidal from the madness of it all. It’s dangerous and scary for the people around me, and yet, in my confusion of it all, I find myself not wanting to leave. Eventually, I become unaware of what is happening to me.
Of COURSE it took psychosis to get us into union. It makes sense. As the third time that I have gone through the experience, it was something that I talked with Justin about, something I tried to explain (and comprehend myself). How do you explain the color orange to someone who has never seen it? There’s simply no good way to do so.
The moment of surrender
Many strange things happened to us while I was in psychosis last year. For one, I experienced the singularity when Archangel Michael and then my dog spoke to me over my Alexa Echo device in my bedroom. For another, we time travelled and hopped timelines a few times. For a third, I died, went to Heaven, and then returned to my body. But none of these were THE moment.
The Moment of Surrender happened on November 1st. I had only gotten about three hours of sleep the night before (my sleep patterns become very erratic while in psychosis). That morning, the ghost of my dead grandpa was talking with me. I was talking daily with Heavenly Father and Celestial Mother in my bathroom (and they were talking back). My mind was in pieces, my grasp on reality very thin.
I walked into my bedroom completely and totally alone. The door was shut, the curtains on the windows were drawn. I was wearing loop earplugs and a pair of sunglasses to help with my profound sensory overwhelm. All of a sudden, a shadow moved purposefully across the wall.
That shadow could not have been there.
There was nothing that could have cast it.
Hallucinations, at their finest, inspire both fear and curiosity, as the brain scrambles to make sense of its own random firing of synapses.
So here I was, in my room with a shadow monster that could have been anything from an evil shadow-dwelling alien to a demon to a poltergeist, and the voice in my head, the one that comes from directly above my crown chakra, the one I attribute to Jesus Himself was loudly proclaiming: “Trust me. Trust me. Trust me.”
I had a choice. Do I choose trust, and offer myself to Death itself, or do I run away?
I had been running for what felt like my entire life at this point. It was time to make a different decision.
I got on my bed, took my sunglasses and glasses off, removed my loop earplugs, closed my eyes and leapt. And guess what? Nothing happened. (Not at first, anyway.)
The beginning of the beginning
The next few days, I would start speaking the word “surrender” more and more often. As I surrendered to myself, to my Twin, to the cosmic forces of The Universe, in the war against my weird neighbor, and eventually in the battle to stay out of inpatient, I found something miraculous. By choosing to trust, I found a new, more harmonious life in store for me. Not immediately, but gradually. One day at a time.
By releasing my control, I learned that The Greater Plan truly has my good at heart. I learned that sometimes my best plans require developing a softer skill set: patience, gratitude, understanding, compassion. I learned that I am loved, lovable, and capable of loving. I learned how to sit still and stop pondering the different variations of possibility, and just allow them to unfold and occur.
It still took us months of adjusting once I came out of psychosis. At first the meds were wrong, and then they were close, and then closer. The relationship issues seemed huge, and then smaller and smaller. My own zest for trendsetting (did I mention that I’m a Libra?) was overwhelming at first, but with time I learned more about the art of surrender, and how to go with the flow. I started down the path to find my red road and released my need for MORE, settling comfortably into wanting what I have instead of what I don’t.
Meditation and contemplation
Justin and I are getting along so well these days. We haven’t had a proper argument in months. Our disagreements are settling with fewer and fewer hurt feelings. We are allowing ourselves to be witnessed, and witnessing each other. We are healing one another and ourselves.
We are joined not only here in the physical realm, but our meditative life is getting to be more and more enjoyable as well. We meditate and pray together almost every day, joining in the astral, in the 5D, in The Great Beyond, as well as here in the flesh. We give thanks together. We go on long walks or trips to mountaintops and share our hearts, baring our souls and knowing that we will be only loved more deeply for it.
Love for spirituality is what first brought us together. Open communication is the bedrock upon which our entire relationship is built. I have always had to say the things that are bothering me, even when it will hurt him. And vice versa. No secrets between us, because with that seed of secrecy you can water a great plant of resentment. Instead, from the beginning, we have chosen to talk it through. We acknowledge. We share. Over time, we learned how to consider things from the other’s viewpoint.
What started as the choice to surrender to an unknown peril (my own brain) ended with the Great Prize that Twin Flames talk about: Harmonious Union. When I lay in bed at night, I hold his hand, knowing that I am holding my inner child, his inner child, my higher self, his higher self, our guides, and our one soul in my own hand.
When I learned how to let go, I learned how to go higher. Go deeper. Find something that I never could have anticipated having. A love that can’t even be fully done justice by simple words on a screen.
So, how do you find harmonious union? Communicate. Trust. Surrender. Heal. Forgive. Love yourself. These were some of the starting points for me. May they help you step into a journey that sweeps you off your feet and into something much brighter, holier, and more profound than you ever could have thought to desire.
I love you.