My spouse and I disagree a lot. A lot. Loudly. With gusto. With storming off down the road for a walk on occasion.
We both have extensive backgrounds of childhood violence, domestic violence, sexual trauma, cheating, etc. We both attend weekly individual therapy and when things get really, really tough, we do a session or two of couple’s therapy.
We also deconstruct every single argument. Every single one. One of us (with almost 50/50) admits that we were wrong, and we take the time to dive into the reasons behind our actions. We re-visit the horribly bad blow-ups a second time to ensure we’re both still feeling good about the resolution.
We compromise, apologize, and communicate. He has abandonment issues and I have attachment issues, so this can be hard, but some things we figured out are: when I change it from “I’m not going to leave you, I swear, BUT” to “our flame is eternal and our love will outlive us, BUT” he doesn’t go into trauma brain and escalate the panic in our fight. (Yes it sounds super dumb when I yell it, but sticking to that exact script helps us navigate it so much better.)
When he moves in for a shoulder rub when I’m upset instead of a hug, I don’t go into freeze mode and make him feel unwanted. Finding these small ways to circumvent one another’s triggers has made every difference in our marriage.
We also kiss often throughout the day, making time for very small periods of very intense focus on our love for one another and the beautiful intimacy we share. (Often, our kisses last 30+ seconds. Even in front of the kids. 😅)
This is what an early twin flame experience looks like. The balancing of the generational karma. The acknowledgment that we are both aware of what we are doing and why we are doing it and how this is a short-term thing and not a forever thing.
I cannot possibly tell you how passionate I am about this star creature inside my favorite meat suit. He is incredibly beautiful, inside and out. And we also still trigger each other as we work through our own dances. We are releasing, letting go, healing, healing, healing. Separately healing and using our deepening trust in one another to heal in a much more radical way.
About three months ago, I told him that I trusted my best friend of nearly twenty years more than I trusted him. I barely know him! We’ve only been in each other’s lives for 3.5 years, and together solidly for 2 years.
Since making that admission, I can no longer say that. I trust them equally. With the assurance that neither of them has one hand behind their back with a knife of betrayal. I am in it with him. For good. Forever. Much, much longer than this small lifetime.
So, yes, we’re fighting a lot right now. BUT, we apologize. We examine our own motives. I will jokingly call him “Mr. Trauma Brain,” and he will make the connection to his behavior/jealousy/underlying fear, and we move through instead of stick with.
It’s way better than it was in the beginning. Fights are less frequent, we’re moving through them more quickly, and I now answer the phone after I storm off just to reassure him that I’m upset, taking a moment to collect my thoughts, but also safe. Far cry from ignoring four calls from him over 20 minutes back in the beginning of our adventures, to the point that he called my out-of-state grandma to have HER call me to ensure I was still alive.
We have anxiety. This planet blows. Neither of us care too much about sticking around much longer than necessary, but neither of us are willing to abandon the other. I do not think that will ever, ever change.
Anyway, this is what my twin flame marriage currently looks like. In case anyone is wondering. 💜