Things have been hitting so hard recently. On the turn of the new year, we made so many promises. Commitments to ourselves, to each other, to our family, to our business. We decided to nurture We Are The Galaxy and watch it grow instead of sitting passively at the sidelines.
And yet, these decisions do not come without resistance.
As Kathrin Zenkina is teaching us in the manifestation class we are taking right now, I’m getting very used to the phrase, “I am comfortable being uncomfortable.”
So much is uncomfortable right now. Putting ourselves out there. Talking to complete strangers about Source Light/Truth/God/The Universe. Connecting in with my Higher Guidance every single day. Becoming more attuned in my reiki courses. There is so much going on, it can feel like I’m drowning in obligations.
The pause. The break. Stepping back. Taking that deep breath to reconnect with what I know.
What do I know?
I know that I used to feel like I would never be successful because I used to feel unworthy of success.
I know that I used to think that I had to get a pHD like my sister in order to be worthy of love.
I know that there used to be a deep self-hatred at the very core of my being, placed there in my youth and nurtured, watered like a seed that would one day grow into something beautiful–until that seed turned around and attempted to swallow me up whole.
As a woman who has survived as much as I have survived, I get really tired of hearing about being strong.
I would rather not be strong, to be quite honest. I would rather crumble and break and be done, but then what? What happens AFTER you fall completely and totally apart?
You learn how that feels (not amazing), and you are faced with a choice: do I stick my head in the sand and disappear, or do I carry on and carry up?
Carry On and Carry Up
I read this meditation recently that really spoke to me.
It said, “may I bring as many beings as possible up into enlightenment with me.”
When I call on my angels, I also call on others.
Sometimes, very lost and scary ghosts show up, but my energetic walls include protection from forces that would want to do me harm. It took a while to learn how to place these walls perfectly, but you know what they say about practice. I want to welcome those curious beings who are here to witness. To learn. To find out what I’m doing, how I’m doing it, and that they can do it, too.
Who am I and why does it matter?
I am Geneva Hill.
I am a spiritual healer by birthright.
I am a quantum guru.
I am an ascension guide for those on the brink of spiritual awakening.
I am love.
I am power.
I am beautiful.
I am kind.
I am strong.
I am friendly.
I am funny.
I am brave.
I am a survivor.
And I am someone who can pull a demon straight out of thin air and convince it to trap itself in a mirror so that it can be banished straight to hell.
I have spiritual gifts that have been so incredibly hard to understand, because I was raised by atheist parents with the strong hope that I would grow up to be a hardened scientist and atheist as well.
Only one small problem with that: scientists ask questions. And when you turn to God to ask these questions, and you ask often enough and with enough sincerity, The Universe has a way of surprising you with what is actually real.
So, even if it is a struggle right now to keep putting myself out there and allowing myself to be seen in this struggle toward the top: I will keep going.
I am a millionaire just for being my authentic self.
And my authentic self is facing almost as many struggles as victories right now. But there are victories. So many sweet, delicate victories that are as wonderful as the battles are hard.
And even if some days it takes until 11:00 at night to find the Higher Voice to give me that knowledge of how and why I must keep going…. I am finding that every day.
Every. Fucking. Day.
We are Hills.
We never give up, we never surrender, we never fold, and we never die.
(Seriously, I mean Justin’s heart has stopped how many times now? We never die.)
So, if I’m not going to be dying anytime soon, I will be living as loudly and proudly as possible. No matter what I might be up against.
And you can, too.
We can all be the person who makes the world a little bit brighter with our laughter, our kindness, and our bravery. I’m sure of it.